Stories of life in the suburbs with Husband and our daughter Squishy and son Button!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Flower Genocide

Expert Mommy Press: Mid April, 2011

Minnesota had the distinct and pleasant taste of Spring a few weeks ago, but it all came crashing down when swift and sudden blankets of snow coated the only recently cleared grassy knolls of suburban Minneapolis. 

"It's horrible, because we wait for the nice weather with giddy anticipation all winter long," said one woman. Devastated, many of these Scandinavians turned on the local forecasters, demanding answers on news stations' Facebook pages, some weather reporters were even accosted while on their way to local Starbucks.

A plot was also uncovered by local authorities that outlined the kidnapping and interrogation of a groundhog as to why these extra inches of snow were happening so late in the season. It is said that groundhogs, much like psychics, are heavily relied upon in this region to predict exactly how long winter will last.

"We believed him when he saw his was only supposed to be six more weeks! When will this END?!" we caught one conspirator shout with tears running down his face as he was taken away. The groundhog in question was not injured, but he did release the following statement: "It is widely known that Minnesota winters tend to drag on. Groundhogs believe our stereotypical role of predicting the remaining length of time from February 2nd to the end of winter is unrealistic. We just take the job for the money and publicity. We encourage Minnesotans to just wait it out, maybe by focusing their time on a craft or hot dish recipe."

Bill Murray could not be reached for comment at this time.

To some, the random snow falls seem like a bitch slap in the face. We caught up with a hot woman who seemed confused by it all.  "I thought the seasons always went in order, but I guess it just skipped summer and fall and went right back into winter!" the blonde said. She rambled on about other things for a while before asking the interviewer what her own name was.

It was then that we discovered the untold story of the flowers. Flowers are generally thought of as a first sign of spring. Bulbs planted the previous year begin to grow once the soil thaws, giving bloom to tulips and daffodils that brighten a still modestly grey and brown landscape.

After the life cycle of the perennials, gardeners all over began planting annual flowers. It was only shortly thereafter that disaster hit. Out of nowhere the thick blanket of heavy wet snow wiped out the youthful and energetic blossoms. "Poor little things never saw it coming," said one resident, "They should change that saying to 'April showers bring death'". Personal accounts describe the passing of these poor plants as "horrific". Rescue workers were called in hopes of saving the tiny flowers that lay screaming in the cold dirt slowly dying an agonizing death, but there was a cat in a tree that needed mittens. "You need to keep your priorities straight. We cannot have kittens without mittens in this weather," said the fire chief.  Flattened, broken, and slowly shriveling, a large group of pansies was left to die.


"We all know that the flowers brighten our day once winter abates," said a passerby, "but I totally get that thing about the kittens."